Dead straight hair is dead.. and big hair is… big

8 Jun

Thank the lord. The trend for poker-straight hair is over. Gone. Kaput. About as fashion-forward as track suit pants. How do I know this? Well, first of all Cheryl Cole (the British singer) was snapped on the red carpet with bigger than big, ’80s maxed-out hair and Sarah Jessica Parker confirmed it by stepping out in a style so bouffant you would swear she’d run out of the hairdressers before they were finished. You know that stage where they’ve teased and teased and they’re about to start styling – well that’s when SJP hot-footed it straight out of there – before they got to the actual styling bit. Do two big-hair sightings constitute a ‘trend’? Well, yes – when one of them is among the world’s biggest fashion icons. I for one am glad. I really sucked at hair straightening. Seven years ago, I owned a straightener for about five minutes. It was a big, plastic type thing – GHD it was not. This shocker cost about $30 and it used to tear my hair something awful. I have very little dexterity when it comes to hair-doing – or anything much for that matter – so basically, I could get the sides looking relatively straight but I just couldn’t perform the contortion act required to straighten the back of it.
Yes, I know you’re supposed to do it section-by-section and all that but I have an allocation of about 10 minutes for hair styling. If it can’t be done in 10 minutes, it can’t be done. The only slight, tiny little problem I have with big hair is this – it looks absolutely ridiculous. Both SJP and Cheryl Cole look like they’ve been plugged into an electric socket after stepping off the set of Dallas (the TV series). It’s sort of lion-esque as well. In a bad way. I don’t think everyone is going to embrace the trend. Gwyneth Paltrow hasn’t changed her poker-straight hair in, oh, about 20 years. I don’t she’s going to relinquish her GHD in a hearbeat. I think she’s handcuffed to it. Maybe she’s realised there’s only one style that suits her – and that’s straight. Me – I’m still trying to find that magic hairstyle that suits me. Super short makes me feel masculine. Super-long makes me look droopy and drippy like Neil from the Young Ones (photo below for those too young to remember). I blame my genes. I have crap hair. It was lovely and blonde as a kid. Now, I have to pay to achieve the same colour. Colouring your hair is like a treadmill – once you start it’s very hard to get off. And childbirth hasn’t done me any favours. The crazy hormones seem to have made me moult all over the place. My poor baby is continually covered in my hairs. And her new game is to grab clumps of it and pull, very hard – so I lose even more of the few super-fine strands I have left. I digress. Back to big hair. When I saw SJP I thought ‘Yes. I could probably do  scaled-down version of that. After all, it’s just kind of messy, teased hair. Messy – I can do.’ But I have had a couple of days to think about it. The reality is, that messy un-done look probably took hot rollers, back-combing, a truck load of hairspray and two hours in a hair-stylist’s chair to achieve. That falls outside of my 10 minute limit. I’ve been in a state of hair-denial for too long. I dutifully take a photo of my favourite celebrity hairstyle to the hairdresser thinking she will magically transform me into said celebrity with just a flick of the scissors. It never happens.  I walk out of the hairdresser feeling a million dollars with bouncy, shiny, lovely hair. 24 hours later it looks rubbish. These celebrities have what I never will. Plenty of time, and a hairdresser on tap. In my world it’s just me, a dodgy hair-dryer, and a $5 supermarket brush. My hair will never be super-straight – or super-big. It’ll just be… hair. Real-person hair.

Cheryl Cole

Gwyneth is surgically attached to her GHD

Neil from the Young Ones
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One Response to “Dead straight hair is dead.. and big hair is… big”

  1. Anonymous June 8, 2011 at 8:38 am #

    does this mean that the paddle pop lion and ronald mcdonald will come back as my favourite ambassadors??

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